Fair is Fair

"When you're seventeen, people think they can do anything to you. Billie Jean is about to prove them wrong."

This morning I caught the tail end of 1985's classic, the Legend of Billie Jean starring both Christian (in his film debut) and Helen Slater (probably in her career best). I really forgot most of this movie and think we might need to add it to the list. Anyway, we know the basic premise is that Billie Jean is pretty much the town's hottest piece of tail and her real and fictional brother has to defend her honor, gets his scooter trashed by the BMOC and Billie Jean & Co. try to get justice for that and the beating Slater Jr. takes for trying to get it on his own.

Somewhere in all this mayhem, BMOC's father tries to rape BJ (heh) and Slater Jr. accidentally shoots him and they become fugitives with the awesomely annoying Putter played by the voice of Lisa Simpson. Of course things get out of control and they pick up a rich kid, who obviously falls for BJ in the process. Complications!

My favorite things about this movie, to the best of my recollection are as follows:
1. Helen Slater's wig
2. The theme song by badass Pat Benetar
3. The idea that a trailer park runaway can be viewed as a modern (1985 anyway) day Joan of Arc.

In my mind though, perhaps the greatest part of the movie is when the kids are in their stolen station wagon and shots are fired. Everyone thinks that Putter has been shot because she's bleeding all over the place but it turns out, she just got her period for the first time. Could it get any better?

I can't remember much else about it other than that Peter Coyote was in it so I'm going to nominate it for the list. Agreed?

If you can't beat the system... break it!

A week ago we saw Breakin' 2: Electric Bugaloo (1984). Since then, I haven't been able to get the stupid song out of my head. I found the lyrics to this masterpiece online this morning.

~~~Tongue Roll~~~
(0:07)
Bah!... Bah!... Bah!... Bah!...
Bah!... zoom zoom
Bah!... zoom zoom
Bah!... zoom zoom
Bah!... zoom zoom
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Bo Dum Dum Day Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Doe Doe Doe
(Bah!) Din Daa Daa, Bo Dum Dum Day Doe

Really.... I'm not shitting you. Those are the words and that song is what has been haunting my mind for the last week. O.k.... that aside, lets look at the film.

We remember that Breakin' introduced us to Kelly, a young jazz dancer who likes to hang out on the wrong side of the tracks. We also met the gayish duo Ozone and Turbo, played by Adolfo 'Shabba-Doo' Quinones and Michael 'Boogaloo Shrimp' Chambers. I don't remember 1984 very well because I was 8, but I can't imagine that it was cool to be a bugaloo shrimp, whatever the fuck that is.

We find out at the start of the movie, that Kelly has been working as a pro dancer and might get some dance job somewhere. Who cares.. Apparently, O&T have not been doing so well. They're living in the ghetto in some sort of psychedelic tree house. Don't worry, they're still busy.... they're teaching breakdancing at the local community center, Miracles. I'm guessing that they're also slinging rock because these fruits don't have a paying job and they sure hate "the man".

Miracles, is a freakin huge place, covered in spray paint. It that looks like a team of retarded people, sponsored by Krylon, went to town on the joint. Well, we find out that this huge eyesore is going to get knocked down so some old white guys can build some stores, maybe a Walmart. I'm guessing that this project would provide a ton of jobs for the area. Maybe get some of these punk kids off the street. We also learn that this crazy 'community center' is unsafe and will require $200 grand to fix, probably due to all of the loud music and dancing... The old man that runs the place, Bryon doesn't have the scratch, so it's up to the kids to raise the money.

Child labor. Creepy old man. Dance wars.

If you really want to see how far we've come in 24 years, watch this movie for the clothes, music and sweet sweet dance moves. It goes to show you that anything you think is cool will look fucking ridiculous to people in the future. Go ahead and spend $200 on sneakers. Your grandkids are going to laugh in your face. Go ahead and pop your collar... I dare you to look back on that in 10 years and not think it looked fucking gay.

There is a history to breakdancing and it's relevance to street culture that I'm not going to deny, but I can't imagine that this movie did anything to capture it. I doubt that rival street gangs had nonviolent dance-offs. I doubt that some rich slut was driving into the ghetto to hang with some street kids without trying to pick up some crack rocks and/or HIV. I doubt the city would have a problem with ripping down an unsafe community building. I REALLY doubt that they could get the cash by having a dance celebration... even with Kelly's dad donating $50 grand. I doubt most of the movie makes any sense... but I can't get that stupid song out of my mind... so maybe it's good for something. Either way, I can't wait to see it again in another 24 years and think about how dumb I looked in 2008. This movie really made as much sense as the stupid lyrics to that song that's been killing me, so I'm just going to enjoy it for that and call it a day. Enjoy.

Bah! Bump Bump Bump Bump Bay Doe
Bah! Bump Bump Bump Bump Bay Doe
Bah! Bump Bump Bump Bump Bay Doe

BTW - Lil wizard rocks,
-ecm

Wishlist

Here are the flicks we have on our wishlist...

*Batteries not included
Beastmaster
Ernest Goes to Prison

Flash Gordon

Mac and Me

Dr. Jeckyl and Ms. Hyde
Staying Alive
Meatballs III

Ladybugs
Purple Rain

Solarbabies
Short Circuit

Just One of the Guys

More to come...

How it all started

Have you ever seen a movie and thought, "This might be the worst piece of crap I've ever seen, I think I need a rape shower."

Me too.

Let me take a step back a few weeks. It was just an ordinary Saturday night. A few of us were watching TV and enjoying a few drinks. I can't remember how or why it happened, but someone stopped channel surfing on Flashdance.

Sure... No big deal, right. I remember seeing it as a kid. I might have even had the soundtrack on vinyl. It never seemed strange to me... until I saw it again and realized how blind I was as a kid.

It's about a steel welder who wants to ballet dance, and makes money on the side as an exotic dancer. Sure... I'll buy it. She lives in a giant converted warehouse that doubles as her dance studio... o.k.... She loves to hang with an old lady who gives her advice about her steel, sweat and tears life... fine. I'll go hook, line and sinker.

but... they had a dude stunt dancer stand-in playing sweet-tits in the breakdancing routine? A guy that looked nothing like our doe-eyed welder. Jesus Christ! Were there no ladies who could pop and lock??? Fuck this shit. I'm out.

The pure insanity of this movie made my stomach hurt and my eyes water. I want to know how it's possible that none of the fellas from the steel mill didn't recognize Flashy at the local strip club. How she could afford a huge warehouse loft but not a car. Why she had no friends other than the old bag that dies. How a stripper with no real formal training could join a professional ballet. It really doesn't make any sense at all.

I understand that sometimes you need to suspend disbelief to enjoy flicks, but they must have thought that audiences were just dumb. How did we not see this piece of poop for what it was? Maybe it was the catchy songs... I did have the album... or was it my sister's... I don't remember... Maybe I just liked to stare at that trashy piece of ass on the front of the sleeve. I was 7 when it came out and I already knew what a dirty slut was. awesome.

So, here we are. I think we need to take a look back at the films we saw as kids and realize how fucking stupid we were.
In fact, I think that the cocaine infused 80's provided us with enough douche-chill inducing movies to keep us busy for a while.

Hello, I'm eastcoastmark and I love to scar my retinas. I'll join a few brave souls, who will do the dirty work, so you can get another 90 minutes of sleep. Who knows what we'll see, but I'm sure it will suck rotten balls.

Take it sleazy,
- ecm